When You Lose Your Song

Note: When I wrote this, I was very low…read at your own risk, lol. Umm… please see disclaimer at the end of this post for the link to the follow up, next day blog 🙂 )

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Never thought I’d be here before.

I’ve lost something. Something big.

Not that I’ve never lost anything before. I’ve been pretty good at it actually.

I’ve lost friends.

My job.

My heart.

Faith.

Motivation.

My importance.

Dreams.

Ideals.

Significance.

And lastly, my youth…although, I had not realized this until a few apparently “real” young people pointed it out to me.

But now a loss that I can hardly bear to even type let alone speak out loud. So, here it will remain…where only God, you faithful followers, and I will know.

I’ve lost the will to sing.

This is who I am. This is what I’m called to do.

I’ve heard prophecy after prophecy of how my Worship will shake the world.

Nothing brought more passion or joy. Nothing brought a bigger high than to lay my heart and soul before the Lord and to lead others in song.

I’ve had years of ministry.

Years of fellowship.

Years of Worship.

All for what?

For nothing.

I’ve had months of nothing. Silence.

And now I have to somehow lead a team in Worship at a university when I’m so close to telling the director that I can’t do this? That I’m not qualified. That I’m “too old”. That my Worship is now somehow obsolete. Apparently, Worship is for young people….if that is true, why is it that Worship gains so much more meaning with experience? And when did 30-something become old? What is every other decade after that then?…prehistoric? And if you can’t lead without an instrument, how is Kim Walker-Smith so effective?

I’ve asked God for a team for so long for support. For support. Because I can’t do this on my own. I write lyrics. But I need a team to help me pull music together.

And all I see are people wanting to help themselves and excluding others.

I am “too old”. My Worship is “too old”. If that is who I was supposed to be, than I, too, am now obsolete. I am 35 years old. I ask you…what in the HELL am I supposed to do with the rest of my life…??

These “promises”…all they’ve done is rip my heart out and made me bitter and cautious.

I don’t want any of these promises anymore.

I’m so sick of hearing promise after promise that never comes to fruition.

I’m not a damn novelty. I am not a damn joke as so many think.

I am a WOMAN…not a kid…who has seen hell on earth and lived to tell about it. My heart is dead.

I’ll never sing again.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?…

Please, God, help me.

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(Disclaimer: As I write this disclaimer, it is now the next day and I have gotten over my girlish temper tantrum (where’s the rolling eyes emoji?). Please read the follow up to this post, which is much more positive! lol)

 

 

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